i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
