his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
