its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize