So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They took my balls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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