So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
