Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
