just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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