Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
