the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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