i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
