Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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