Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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