If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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