sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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