I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
