I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
