so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
