the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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