yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
