fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
