Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
