Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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