no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
pray to the hookup gods
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
