We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
