Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize