Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
