remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
