I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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