I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
