So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
