Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
