sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
