It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
