I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
