She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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