The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
