Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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