Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
