Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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