Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
