My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
