So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
