She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
