can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
