i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
