Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
