The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
