So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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