I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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