glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
