I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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