so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
