I'm lost and stupid without you.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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