Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
