Sponge bath it is.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize