It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
