for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
