I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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