thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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