Betty ford says i'm here all night
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
