I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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