My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
