Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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