It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
