when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
