I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
