THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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