I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
